


Shopping at The Umbrella Academy

by hauntedhellhound



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Retail, Bisexual Vanya Hargreeves, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, F/M, Gen, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rating May Change, Retail AU but I have long suffered in retail hell, Swearing, semi crack (?)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 22:39:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29625072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hauntedhellhound/pseuds/hauntedhellhound
Summary: Are *you* looking for luxury in your life at fantastic prices? Come on down to The Umbrella Academy, where it’s always raining GREAT deals!OrVanya finds herself with a day job in retail. Surely it can't be that bad. . . ?
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Vanya Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves, Vanya Hargreeves & Everyone
Comments: 3
Kudos: 6





	Shopping at The Umbrella Academy

**Author's Note:**

> heyo, here's a more casual sort of one shot series I thought i'd try
> 
> kinda crack-ish, kind of serious-ish?

[Stock footage thunder rumbles, opening to a dark screen with an aggressively bold slogan taking up the screen. Shitty CGI storm clouds bubble and warp in strange ways as the background.]

_The Umbrella Academy: Good Deals Rain Down on You!_

[The shot quickly fades into a new scene, still in black and white. A sad man stares out his window. His long hair sways gently in an impossibly even breeze. He is so sad he can barely stand upright.]

_Do those grey skies have you feeling down? Not up to hitting the town? You could hide in your house with that big ol’ frown._

[The shot has zoomed up to emphasize his sad face. Is. . . is he crying?]

_Or. . ._

[High energy orchestra music accompanies the abrupt transition into highly saturated color and an overhead building shot of The Umbrella Academy.]

_COME ON OVER TO THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY!!!_

[The camera point of view obnoxiously swings from a steady overhead shot to zooming towards the front doors. The camera work awkwardly changes from drone camerawork to a more traditional camera shot. A man dressed as a butler and a chimpanzee stand at the front door. The camera follows them inside.]

_Here at The Umbrella Academy, the shelves are always stocked with the latest and greatest in outdoor equipment. It’s a great stop for the whole family, isn’t that right boy?_

[The butler’s voice is the same as the rest of the narration. He gestures at his chimp companion.]

_Eek eek!_

[The chimp looks agitated.]

_Right you are, Pogo! Let’s tell them all about it._

[The man attempts to pet the chimp on the head, but jerks his hand away. The movement is cut off by a quick transition into a new scene of smiling employees helping customers. The employees are smiling so wide it has to hurt.]

 _Gather ‘the boyz’ and get that fishing trip ready with the FishMAN 5000. Or maybe it’s time for camping! We have countless tent options from our Roughin’ It line to our King of the Forest selection._

[The shot lingers on a manically cheerful customer being amazed at every product he is shown. The much taller man gives the employee an overzealous friendly slap on the shoulder that nearly knocks the guy out of frame. Another customer in the background cooly glances at the shelves, striking poses meant to be casual. He picks up a machete and somewhat subtly flexes his muscles.]

_Need the kids entertained? Pick up one of our exclusive TurboSpaceDrones!_

[A small hoard of children bounce all over the screen. Small text scrolls across the bottom of the screen: The Umbrella Academy is not responsible for any injuries including head trauma, eye strain, nausea induced hallucinations or the like. Please use responsibly.] 

_Aw, sport, are you in the doghouse for upgrading your man cave again?_

[A sad trumpet plays. The man from the intro scene shrugs, arms full of The Umbrella Academy shopping bags, while being berated by his wife. Her overly expressive gestures are so extreme she wobbles on her high heels.]

_Make the wife happy with our finest cookware line: Grace’s Personal Choice. Integrated with the latest in artificial intelligence, Grace’s Personal Choice, winner of USA Daily’s Today’s Good Morning Show’s top gift, will make planning dinner a breeze!_

[The happy woman swoons over the cooking aisle, marriage saved. The man catches her, giving a cheesy grin and a thumbs up to the camera. More tiny text scrolls by: All products in Grace’s Personal Choice line need to be connected to WiFi at all times. For best use, set up an account through TheUmbrellaAcademy.com. Please see the terms and conditions on the website and the instructions booklet.]

_And don’t forget about our top of the line umbrellas! Want to stay dry and fashionable? Our sleek black umbrellas perfectly repel water and harsh sunlight thanks to our Black Hole tech (patent protected)._

[A very scientific model of an umbrella demonstrates the superiority of the fabric. Patent Protected is in bold.]

_~The Umbrella Academy~_

[The chime transitions into the next scene, a new overhead of The Umbrella Academy building. A group of employees wave to the camera unevenly. A few seem similar to the “customer” examples. Most are wearing black uniforms, but there is one in dark blue. It stands out.]

_Visit us in our brand new location downtown!_

[The camerawork cuts to a close up shot of the butler. He has a bandaged hand and is now accompanied by a man in a chimpanzee mascot suit.]

_Here at The Umbrella Academy, we’re family. You know you’ll always have the best experience shopping. Guaranteed! And bring the kids on the first Saturday of the month to take a photo with Pogo!_

[The shot ends on a slow motion wider view of the group waving. The mascot head slumps backwards. The scene holds several beats too long.]

_The Umbrella Academy: Good Deals Rain Down on You!_

~  
The large screen monitor flickered to black, reflecting Luther’s hopeful smile before he turned to the room. “Isn’t this exciting? A fantastic new commercial filmed right on location. Uh, well mostly on location. We were a big part of it anyways! It should show up on TV starting next month.”

He cleared his throat to continue his announcements, but the pause had been enough. The chatter had already begun. The poor man sweated as he fumbled with his notes. They scattered on the floor. 

Vanya sank down her cold creaky plastic seat in the chilly break room of The Umbrella Academy. Secondhand embarrassment always got to her-- and worse yet, she was a part of it. When she had been hired a month ago, Vanya had not pictured “actress” as part of her job description. Although she guessed “extra in a group shot” shouldn't have been a big deal. (But did they have to strong arm her into it? Vanya really hoped she never had to speak with the terrifying Ms. Handler from corporate again.) 

“I can’t believe they didn’t use the best takes!” Klaus pouted playfully, taking a moment to make sure enough people were listening to him. “There was an even better version of me where I really captured the _manliest_ yearning look for my beloved chainsaw. Oh! If only the old battle axe would let me live my truth!” Klaus draped himself over his seat neighbor, Ben. Ben arched an eyebrow, but merely shrugged his shoulder into a more comfortable position.

“Yeah, yeah, _Klaus._ ” The dark haired woman in the center row snapped her gum, lowering her bedazzled purple phone with a graceful twist to glare backwards at the man. “There’s also a ‘great’ take where you drop me on my ass.”

“Allison, my dearest~” Klaus smirked. “I would never!”

“Alright everyone, pay attention.” Luther kept speaking over Klaus’ yelp in response to Allison’s shoe projectile. “The store has been meeting most of our sale’s goals for the quarter, but they know we can do better! Let’s hustle. Make sure the customers know all about the special deals and about our new app. Our goal is 100% email capture so be sure to explain the reward system.”

Vanya tried to pay attention, but most of the information was the same spiel she had heard all week. She fiddled with her dented, round employee id pin to keep herself awake. The _#07007_ was nearly scuffed out. All but the last digit were nearly impossible to read. Being referred to by numbers instead of having name tags felt a bit cold, but Vanya wasn’t particularly interested in having certain customers know her name. It was all temporary anyways. She had jumped at the chance of a slightly more than minimum wage paycheck with the potential to receive incremental raises. (It had to be better than trying to keep working with her ex girlfriend, right?) Vanya had to save as much money for transferring to her dream college. One day she would be playing her violin for an adoring audience. She could voluntarily never set foot in any Umbrella Academy locations for the rest of her life. 

And yet. . . 

Was it so bad to wish she didn’t absolutely hate work day to day?

Her first week had been rough. While the “friendly,” (and definitely unofficial) new employee hazing probably wasn’t all that dramatic, for Vanya’s dark headspace it was the cherry atop a shit sundae. She learned the hard way to triple check policy, what kinds of things set the security leads into bad moods and how to tell when a corporate visit was imminent.

She couldn’t decide if it helped or hurt more that her coworkers generally ignored her now. At least the cashier lead, Ben, talked to her. Unfortunately, more routy coworkers often snagged his attention.

“That’s it for today!” Luther clapped a bit too enthusiastically, causing a harsh echo in the room. “Get out there and get drenched in deals!”

The heckling rose up over the sounds of screeching chairs.

“Doesn’t that mess up our metaphor? Like, we’re The _Umbrella_ Academy. . . wouldn’t we want to stay dry or whatever?”

“Luther, next time we’re in a commercial, please try not to shatter my spine, alright?”

“How am I supposed to get some grandma to download the app when she barely understands the concept of email?”

“They seriously didn’t keep the shot of me throwing the machete? Did you see the air I got on it?”

“Lu~ther~ Are you telling us to get the customers wet?”

Luther’s ears turned a bright red as he rolled his eyes at Klaus. “Klaus.”

“Aw, but you had such a great catch phrase last week. It really spoke to me-”

Luther propelled him out the door. “Go to your section please. And no more pawning off your closing shifts without asking.”

The employees shuffled out the door. Some ducked into their locker to stash their non uniform compliant sweaters. Others stuffed a breakfast bar into their mouths. Ben reluctantly shelved his latest paperback. 

As the last one in the room, Vanya took a moment to enjoy the silence. Or the most silent the building could get. The store’s weirdly mixed music playlist could still be heard starting up from the refurbished buildings' ancient speakers. She used the warbling voice of the cover singer’s bastardization of a Cold Play song (unsettlingly sped up and pitched off) to set her hearing aid in privacy. While her right ear still retained some use, background noise made it difficult to understand the mumbling sort of customers. And few were patient enough to repeat things more than once.

“Maybe today will be a good day.” Vanya picked at her unusual uniform, the dark blue obviously different from the standard ink black. The scratchy material set had been the only uniforms anywhere near her size. She still got write ups from absent minded management for it.

Vanya sighed, flicking the break room door shut. It was going to be a long shift. She could feel it.

**Author's Note:**

> I had a fun idea for a more humor sort of fic where everyone suffers in retail hell. Yay. Basically, I wanted to mix in some IRL stories with stuff inspired by shows like Superstore etc. I guess it will kinda have an overarching plot (Five isn't even here yet aww), but I wanted an easier fic to pick up and write more casually. I may need to adjust/add tags, but Fiveya will be part of this so if you don't like don't read. I also will address some of Vanya's past relationships in this AU. (Her break up with Sissy is not exactly pretty, but it's not intended as character bashing. I'll try to make sure it's tagged properly.) Also some dark themes might get touched on. We'll see. (Might need to bump the rating for language too.)
> 
> ALSO: Don't worry! I'm still working on _the point of no return_. It's just way more involved because I have to keep untangling my plot threads. I was just drinking some wine tonight and was like "why not post this shit."
> 
> Oh and I have a tumblr now, same username. (I will try to turn anon asking on every once in awhile.) It's mostly random fandom stuff and occasionally I might post art.
> 
> If you've got a retail story you'd like to share (and are ok with possibly being modified/used for this fic), please leave it in the comments or send me a message through tumblr! I'd love to hear from y'all.


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